Joke Of The Day!

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor and tell him to bring a mop.

Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Rats, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Stand back! I lost a contact.

Could you stop that thing from beeping? It's throwing off my concentration!

What's this doing here?

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I should have brought my glasses.

Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's pretty clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.

She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!

Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

FIRE! FIRE! Everybody out!

Max! MAX! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Oh, no! Anybody seen my Rolex?

I hate it when there's stuff missing.

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!

And now, I'll remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

This patient has already had kids, right?

What do you mean, "You want a divorce?!"

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"

Oops.

Let me ask your opinion, nurse...

I thought we started with four clamps?

Has anyone ever seen one of these?

What do you mean, it's upside down?

Oh, man! I think I'm gonna be sick.

This is what happens when cousins marry.

You think we can sew it back on?

Put on Dr. Kevorkian's new CD.

Is that supposed to be yellow?

I learned that when I studied to be a vet.

Not bad for someone who failed med school.

What does the AMA know? I still think I can do it.

Whoa. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night.

Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?

They never let us practice on real people in med school.

That proves aliens have taken over our bodies.

He looks like my ex-wife's attorney. The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!

Don't worry, he'll never know. He's out!

Okay, make a wish and pull.

So that's what a girl looks like!

Back in a minute. Gotta put more money in the meter.

What he doesn't know won't hurt us.

Uh, ya want fries with that?

Who ordered the pepperoni?

Tilt that TV this way. I can't see the game.

Poor guy. Maybe we should give him a sex change.

The voices in my head keep telling me not to do this.

I think my Alzheimers is getting... uh...

Oh, yeah? If you think you're so good, you do it!

How come this patient has both sex organs?

CLEAR!!

Credit goes to www.funny-haha.co.uk

Ten Reasons Gay Marriage Is Un-American

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.